Its symptoms strike when things seem OK, mostly, to ground you and remind you that this disease is real, and it isn’t going away. There wouldn’t be so many people dying by their own hands. They say that stress is the main factor that exacerbates symptoms, but if schizophrenia were that predictable, there wouldn’t be so many people in hospitals, on medication, on the streets, and on disability. But the 'today is going to be a good day' thing-it’s not possible for people like me. The super negative ones-people like my mom who will find anything to complain about-I keep my distance from. I love my job and my life and feel thankful for what I have. It’s like when you tell yourself it’s going to be an easy day because it’s Friday and then you get to work and there are 132 invites on your calendar. I have bad luck though it always turns out badly. I’ve tried those letters from the universe and I’ve tried writing myself an email every day. I’ve tried telling myself that “today is going to be a good day” when I wake up.
#PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIA DRIVER#
Don’t let that bad driver on the freeway or the cranky worker at the drive-thru ruin your day. One of the leaders on our training team tells us to “own the day”. It’s kind of a requirement where we work. Every day is a good day and there’s nothing that can change that. My boss, my boss’s boss, my boss’s boss’s boss. I am surrounded by these positivity elves. When I’m not obsessing over whether or not that conversation I had this morning actually happened, I’m worried my team is over in the corner talking about how unhinged I am. My colleagues tell me they have no complaints, but the paranoia tells me otherwise.
My managers tell me they never notice-everyone at work knows I’m schizophrenic. But what am I supposed to be speaking about, again? Is it what’s on the screen or am I supposed to be responding to the voices in my head? I’m confused and unsettled for most of the day while trying to appear normal. I stutter sometimes the content and design of your presentation are only as good as its speaker. I eventually responded, with an apology attached. Do you have any idea how hard it is to decipher the sounds and voices around you when you have two or three more voices that only you can hear? It’s disorienting. The other day one of my colleagues said good morning and I didn’t realize it until she was staring at me, waiting. I live with auditory and visual hallucinations, paranoia, and depression as a part of my disease. I never expect anything from my day except how my brain will test me. A friend once told me she never expects anything from anyone so she won’t be disappointed. Not always, but sometimes it does, and it disappoints me. When I do-I’m wearing my favorite outfit, my favorite song is playing on Pandora, there’s no line at Starbucks, and one of my friends sends me a funny snap-it all falls apart. I can never really plan my day to be good or otherwise. When asked, she informed me that she considers it a choice to live each day as positive as possible. She must be like this naturally, I assumed. Laura wears the biggest smile when you do something like bring her a lemon bar or text her hello. She doesn’t drink coffee and every piece of her life is the best thing that happened, ever. There’s a woman I work with who is like that. I think a lot about the people who wake up in the morning and the first thing that enters their head is “today is going to be a good day”.
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